hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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