I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
