Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
