I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
