ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
