I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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