Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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