omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
