We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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