So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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