she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
