I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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