i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
