Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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