Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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