Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
