Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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