Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
