I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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