And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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