It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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