life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Alive.
So much puke
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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