i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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