Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
