I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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