Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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