Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
