The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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