Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
