just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
