dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my shit smells like andre
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
