She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
