Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
