My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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