So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
