Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
