After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
