There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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