i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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