I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
