how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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