dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
