Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
