I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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