So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
