So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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