I wanna bring you to show and tell
I could make wine with my vomit
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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