when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
