oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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