His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
